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 Okay, so I keep forgetting about this. That doesn't really matter, not too much of interest has happened.

But I have some big news. Yesterday I crashed my car. >_< So that is totaled, and I am in pain. And it sucks. and ... yeah. My car is dead. But hey, at least I'm not?
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My calender swears that there are now three days until my birthday. If you count today. Should I start feeling older, or something? I think I felt it yesterday. Maybe. But maybe it just happens the day of, or something? Someone told me, was it Mary? I think it was Mary. Mary told me that seventeen is supposed to be a good age, better than eighteen. Maybe good things will happen.

I got to see my therapist today. So I get to meet her. I don't know what is going on. Will she know what we need to work with? did Boxer talk to her? Or will she look at me and ask, "What is wrong with you, why are you here?"

I have anxiety disorder. I panic when things happen.

Or, maybe I was raped when I was younger. Or was I molested? hehe, we don't know for sure.

I did almost panic last night. It might feel really sick inside like something was going to jump out of me. I remembered I had to go to my therapist, and then I thought about how I had to drive there on my own and all and it came out of no where really. I'm not sure it even was a panic. It just happened, and I was finding some way to distract myself. I wanted to obsessively do something. I played with my rubberband for a while but got bored, so I went and grabbed my hair brush and started brushing my hair a lot. When ever I brushed it in front of my face I would wait a few minutes, like I was hiding behind my hair even though I could still see everything, and my face would contort into that ugly "going to cry" look, even though I wouldn't cry.

Somethings inside me just felt odd. But I lied in bed and did some breathing slowly and counting and things and I calmed down. I still felt kind of sick but I didn't panic and I went to sleep.
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Ooer, much?

I keep forgetting I have this xD I tend to cling to my YWS blog like wild, and then live journal gets ignored and bashed and... *sigh* I don't have a life when it comes to YWS, do I? Nope, I don't. Oh well.

I've ditched East of Eden claiming that I can always do it at the last minute. Besides, with a car, birthday money, and a reading hunger, I found Running With Scissors. *flails* Sam knows good books! It's weird, but yummy.

So, yes, did I say that? I passed my license test. So I can drive around and things.


I think I'm going to be going to the mall and meeting Mary today. That will be superb. She'll be glad to hear I bought of copy of War & Peace and we can giggle on about YWS and Russian lit. and she can talk to me in Russian and it will be fun! Heh.

I washed my sheets yesterday and switched directions I am sleeping in. Which is odd, but I felt bored. Becky told me it is a good way to heal insomnia. But I'm not having insomnia now...Which is good, I get so restless when I can't sleep.

At this point, I'm just babbling. oh well.
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Weiter, Weiter!

Becky is having a night of emotional currents. I'm spending a good time telling her all these things in some wonderful voice and cheering her up. Hell, why must she live in Penn? Poor dear. I went on one of my extended metaphor rambles with her, and I loved how it sounded:

You are my anchor in a sea that is constantly battering me and trying to tip me on the other side so I breath in water and drown and fall deeper in and, blah.

I wish I had written more to it. I'm reminded of Black Water. I do love my metaphors with water in them ^^'

Oh, I passed my drivers exam. I had meant to post about it yesterday but it did not happen. I'm glad I passed. If I had failed, I swore not to tell anyone I even took it for a third time...Failure feels so hell to me. I couldn't have it.

My key board is playing silly buggers with me, how upsetting?

I feel like I should be doing something more right now, than what I am doing. I've been writing a lot of things here and there, and it feels good to be into that rather than sitting around and doing nothing. I could add more to my yws fanfic, edit poetry, work on Speakeasy. I really meant to do those minor edits on Molmy Sie and pull it out of the one mag and send it into the others. how grand if I was published before school went back in? How impossible.

I'm still slowly working on AP lit. I really want some Dostoevsky, something with more elegance in the writing.. *sigh* It's good, but... I like my elegant reading.

I feel this is all I have to say.

Oh, I wish to do comparative studies into Russian.
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hypnosis hocus popcus

The goth on the imvu advertisement to the right of this thing looks more like a mime with speared eyeliner. Hm.

It's late. I should sleep. I need to read a lot tomorrow. My plan of 100 pages a day is failing. So. I should read more. If I take that drivers test tomorrow, I'm going to die.

I still find myself now and then falling into a pitfall of trying to remember the missing. Hell, it's like I have monomania. *feels like Raskolnikov* Oh dear, I hope I don't kill someone with an ax...


Maybe I could push a poem out of this.
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A few days of silence

I forgot to mention I was out on vacation for a few days. Well... two. But I didn't have much to say for a while, anyway.

Still no word from other magazine, I'm really wondering whether I should email back and pull out. Mary called me last night. It was amazing. We talked for two hours, if not more? And it was so great. Just rambling, but it was amazing. Dostoevsky, literature, writing, Russian language, how she makes friends from being home schooled. She seems very amazing. We might be hanging out some time this week, although her parents may not like that there are no parents here and you know.. .we have met, and we did make contact through a web forum XD

I need to find an excuse so I can tell my mom how I know Mary. She wouldn't like if I said, "Oh, I met her through an online writing forum, you know?" hah. She is a dear though. Perhaps I met her through a friend...? No clue.

I'm bored, just sitting and doing my nails...Watching the news. Boring news. Oh, and I believe YWS just went down again. It came back for a bit... *sigh* oh well.
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A Pleasant Rejection

I got my rejection letter from Shimmer!

Dear Suzanne,

Thank you for allowing us to consider "Módlmy Się" for publication in
Shimmer, but I'm afraid I must return it with our regrets.

The use of Polish completely worked within this setting and I appreciate
your delving into a folk world that is new. However, the opening
paragraphs clearly signal which direction the story is headed, and thus
the ending is expected.

Best wishes, and we do hope you will submit something else when you have it.

Lisa Mantchev


I'm actually happy about this. Is that odd? It gives me some motivation to continue working with Modlmy Sie to make it better, and they complimented me!! They didn't just reject it all together. That must mean something was good, oui? Of course... I'm not changing what they commented about =/ Simply because I like my beginning, and I'm not entirely sure HOW to fix it, and of the several people that read it no one else made a comment of that.

With any luck I will get rejected [hahah] by the smaller magazine or I can reject it, and try again to publish in someone with a small acceptance rate... You never know, right?
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I want to be the floater in your eyeline

I have nothing to do today. I'm trying to write all my logs for lit but I just don't care...I said I'd write ten today so...So long as I write ten, I can write five tomorrow. *hides* I'm also doing some laundry. Slowly.

Nothing. To. Do.

I hate sleeping. Nighttime is really starting to piss me off. It takes me so long to fall asleep. And I do fall asleep but . . . yeah, it takes a bit. I can't stop thinking. The anxiety is deadly. And I don't worry in the day time, I'm just bored. But at night, when I'm trying to sleep, my brain doesn't stop. thinkthinkthinkthink, about what? Not much. but it just keeps going. I'm like the duracell bunny XD or. what ever that thing is.


It's so annoying.


Rawr. Maybe I'll go read. or... Ride my bike. Sleep maybe. Ack.
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I'm so "out there"

I feel put on the spot. I just sent out two submissions for Módlmy Się and I am beyond nervous about it. I sent the first one to a magazine with a low acceptance rate, only to realize that I missed of the italics and left it sitting in BBcode like this: [i]blah[/i] and... oh hell. Foolish, right? They're going to be look at it thinking "WTF?" and everything else looks so GOOD! so that one little mistake hopefully didn't ruin my possibility of getting it published. *flinches* The second magazine has a greater acceptance rate. Chances are they'll take me in the drop of a pin *sigh* I just hope they take it for print, and not  electronic...because I really want a solid copy, not some e-zine floating around. *panicked breath* gah, and what if that one mistake screws me over with the first company? Hell. I need to go look for  a few more larger/harder to get into magazines, just in case...


Becky  says I should try to get  Black Water published as well... hmm...Dunno. Robert also said I should get it published >_< So. Maybe I'll go look at poetry magazines.  Blarghy.  I feel stressed.

I finally started working on my AP Lit logs, and then the mail showed up! I got Becky's/Robert's letter! oooer, I was happy. So , you know, I had to write them back. Dad also wants me to clean the kitchen and mop. I should do that, shouldn't I? Yes. I also got a card in the mail from my  grandpa. A check for $25. I smell books. nice. New. Yummy books... hee hee hee. [oy, hell, do I really need more to read? Nein. oh well]

So.. that is my day so  far. I'm a nervous wreck thinking about  my submissions.  If I get denied/accepted, you'll know  =D
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Happy [not] Thursday!

The subject is a joke. We believe my mom thinks it is Thursday, and not Wednesday...She's done these kinds of things before.

So. Fireworks. Yeah. That sort of thing. I really don't care. This holiday isn't my thing. I just don't care. Perhaps I have some overly large lack of patriotism, or I'm just a teen so I don't care. Either way, it was any normal day except parents had off, and so, had the time to annoy me.

We went to Arnold Park. Hicks. Lots of them. and stuff.

I played email tag with Bek earlier. That was funny ^_^

I really don't have anything to say, I'm just wasting time because there is nothing to do and I'm avoiding writing and I don't feel like going to sleep yet... maybe I'll go find another survey to take XD
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